funeral
it's been a long couple of days. Did get down to Peggy's funeral. It was sad and sweet as all funerals are. Her family and freinds gave us all a wonderful gift of a celebration of her life.

It rained heavilly all the long drive down......almost three hundred miles of driving rain. Most appropriate for a funeral!
It finally cleared for a while as we drove into Ashland -- a really sweet town -- nice to see it again.

Peggy died unexpectedly. We lived on opposite ends of the state so I didn't know her as well as I wished, but felt an instant freindship with her. She called me on the phone a few weeks ago; we talked "midwifery business" for about an hour! She was full enough of energy and enthusiasm. "You can do it, I know you can", she said to me several times when I expressed uncertainty. She was so sure -- and her "sureness" was infective. I guess it's a great thing if opptimism could be contagious!

Funeral --- Maybe we should use a better name for this goodbye ceremony. I often feel closer to a person AFTER the funeral than before - as if it's not 'goodbye" but more of chance to know someone in a new way -- a more complete way.

I've had a number of freinds die the last few years. I guess that will naturaly become more common as we age. I hate to lose someone.......and i hate the REAL grief which comes from knowing that we would have, could have, should have, spent more time together, if we'd only known how short our time was going to be.

My freind Terry and I were always "going to go to Hawaii someday". We had both lived there separately as children and longed to go back, even if only for a few weeks. We met in oregon as adults and people often assumed we were sisters. We felt that way. She died of a virulent, rapid, evil cancer. When she was sick -- far too sick to travel --we regretted we'ld never taken that trip together. There had always been some reason to make it happen "next year maybe", when there was more money or more time. But TIME was what we didn't have. What SHE didn't have. And now she's gone. What's the use of the money we saved by not taking that trip? We're just as poor as we've always been... we're not any richer for having stayed home - done the responsible thing. We would have gone -- if we'd only known the time was running out.

"If only"
Those are two very sad words.

well, i'm gonna get off to bed.